She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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