No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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