i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She told me I should be a condom model.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I need to align my fucking chakras
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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