You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
