I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She needs sedatives and a leash
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
