she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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