Old men and throwing up are my life now.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
