cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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