Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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