hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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