You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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