Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
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Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
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Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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