dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
