if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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