I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
