I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I'm at about main and main street
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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