she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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