My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
