He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You have to summon your inner elephant
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You're a waste of cheezeits
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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