i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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