I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
