the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
