why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
