You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
