i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
