Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
