We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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