I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
