morning after pill = breakfast in bed
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
