I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
