I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Randomize
