Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
