dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
