I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
