Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
