please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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