I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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