I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
