I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
