just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
