I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
