I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
