while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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