you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
