I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
