dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
