she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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