So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She bit a glass in half.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My feet surprised me
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