it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
