Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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