I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
