If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
