textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
