I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
