i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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