i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
