I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
