The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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