She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
we're so committed to being not committed
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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