Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
