My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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