Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
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Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
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I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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